Confidence


Sometimes when I am in a tough situation while riding one of my Thoroughbreds, I sing and release all tension on the reins (bitless anyway).  Relaxed energy flows to the horse and I manage to survive another disaster.  Blogging friends occasionally comment about my confidence and I roll my eyes and laugh to myself, "If they only knew!"  If they only knew the history...the backstory...my own journey with confidence...

When I was in third grade, every girl in my class at school was obsessed with horses.  They would talk of nothing else and of course they talked to me non-stop about horses because I was the luckiest girl in the world - I had my own pony!  What my classmates never knew was that I was petrified of my own pony and all our other horses and this fear made me secretly feel apathetic about horses in general.  I loved animals, including horses, I knew that. My little pony, Dimples, was the sweetest, kindest, most adorable pony in the world.  But, she was still a big (she was very tiny but large to me) equine with her own ideas. By the time I was 9 years old I had already been stepped on and run off with and dumped and I had seen my mother get stepped on and bucked off her horses. I had witnessed the bloody aftermath of stallions fighting...and blacksmiths yelling and veterinarians suturing...and, honestly, I was scared to death of horses!!!! Certainly there were many girls who would be perfectly fine with all this, but I am not/was not  a super courageous person.  This fear of horses was all consuming for many years. When I think back on it, I realize that I had more fear of horses than anyone else I've ever known.  Sometimes I was so scared that I would vomit.  I had very little interest in riding or even being at the barn with my mom.

Unbelievably, in sixth grade, (I still am not sure why), I did revisit the idea of maybe grooming horses and possibly riding.  I asked to take riding lessons and started at a local hunter/jumper stable.   I wasn't one bit more courageous, I just think my desire to touch and be with horses was starting to become insistent.  My instructor was knowledgeable and had an aggressive personality.  She was the perfect complement to my timid demeanor.  There was an indoor so lessons were once a week all year round.  Again, I was stepped on, run off with, bucked off - the usual experiences one encountered when taking riding lessons in the 1970's.  I posted before of my weekly cantering mishaps on Chance.  I was scared to death at times, but I eventually completely conquered my fear.  I rode pretty much any horse and I showed and jumped (the highest I jumped was only 4'  - laughable when compared to my mother ) and I rode my own mare on trails in just her halter for years.  I never did become an aggressive rider, I guess because in my heart I still don't believe that I am supposed to fully "control" a horse, but I wouldn't call myself a timid rider anymore. I certainly rode into every fence with the intention of going over and often times I did go over without my horse. I definitely don't wrestle with fear at all and I look forward to every single ride on my silly young Thoroughbreds, every day. Where did the confidence finally come from?

The last few years, I have been observing horse people in order to understand the answer to that question. Many people today can afford to buy a horse before they take a few years of weekly lessons.  I see them after their first serious scare.  They all look like I did in third grade or after I was bucked off Chance in my first horse show.  They love horses so much it hurts.  They adore their own horse more than anything in the world.  But they are physically sick when it is time to go to the barn if they have to ride.  They are riddled with fear and they are embarrassed to tell their husbands or kids or friends that they are frightened or even to admit that they are over-mounted.  They decide that their horse has issues and hire a trainer.

If only they knew that they are just at the very beginning of a long journey that doesn't have to be rushed, but does have to be endured in order to get to the other side of fear.  Also, I think now, looking back on it, that the adult ego gets in the way of overcoming fear or even starting that journey.  When we are young, our egos are smaller too, so being scared, or crying with pain or fear about anything small is ok.  Older beginning riders have it tough because they are embarrassed to be scared of something little with everyone watching them at a boarding barn, so they unintentionally get themselves or their horses into bigger, serious trouble and the result is complete agreement that the horse is dangerous or has issues.

I was fortunate to be born with the idea that I am  basically a goofball.  I don't take myself too seriously among humans, and I know I am not even remotely able to hold my own with the brilliance of our animal friends.  This may not get me far in the "real world" but it has served me well in the horse world.  A lack of ego combined with a few years of lessons and two jobs - one at a show barn, and the second,  for a large animal veterinarian  all helped me in my struggle with my horse fear.

My lessons gave me the opportunity to experience the full spectrum of equine idiosyncrasies on a new horse each week.  Most importantly, after every lesson, we rode cross-country at the walk outside of the safe ring (my favorite part) and I got to feel first-hand what it was to have a horse shy or bolt or just side-step quickly.  Beginning riders today are so fortunate with the availability of so many riding instructors. They could easily take a lesson every night in different disciplines at different barns and still be ahead financially when compared to buying a horse and paying for board, vet, farrier and training. 

Even though I had my own horse at my own barn, I got a job cleaning stalls and doing turnouts at a show barn.  That situation really gave me confidence to lead and handle hot horses twice a day. 

I also worked during my college and graduate school summers, and even  many years after that, riding in the truck for my beloved, large animal veterinarian, Dr. Weber.  I had ample opportunity to practice calming the injured and terrorized horses we seemed to encounter daily.

Mostly though, I conquered my fear of riding and learned to be a better horse person by reading a book called, Afraid to Ride, by C.W. Anderson.  (Brian got me my most recent copy from addall.) I have recommended this book to others and often times I sense a slight rebuff.  This is a children's book so I suppose some of the dismissal stems from that, but it is the title, I think, that is most off-putting.  Don't avoid this book - no matter how super-duper confident and NOT afraid to ride you are!  This is an amazing book.  Again, there is no need for egos here, we are all friends in pursuit of being better horse people.  If you are embarrassed about the title, just put a pretty book cover on it.  Actually, this is one of the best TRAINING books I have ever read.  Please understand, the horse in this book is afraid to ride just as much as the rider.

The story is of Judy, an advanced, gentle rider who suffers a bad injury at a poorly organized camp.  She realizes that she is experiencing a new, yet acute fear of riding and horses.  Her instructor and mentor, Mr. Jeffers, is the closest thing to a perfect trainer that I have ever witnessed.  His (C. W. Anderson's) wisdom about horses is throughout the book, on every page.  Jeffers asks Judy to retrain a Thoroughbred mare, who has been stupidly abused, in order to help Judy overcome her own fear.  Click the image, then click again. 


Jeffers says things like, "Stroke a horse as gently as if you were stroking a hummingbird." He also tells Judy that she doesn't have to ride at all.  Instead he encourages her to take long walks with the mare, talking and grazing her. 


It is a disservice for me to even attempt to convey all that this book offers.  It helped me conquer my fear as a beginning rider, but more than that, I learned to really understand how to be around horses. That understanding is where my confidence resides. The horse in this book is afraid.  I wonder, what horse isn't afraid at some time?  My Thoroughbreds, Pie and Sovey, were young and new to me when they arrived at our barn in February of 2009.  They were afraid to ride,  afraid of me, afraid. When I go home from this long Florida vacation, they will be wondering who I am, am I the same person, can I be trusted?  They will be slightly "afraid to ride" again.  On the trail, we encounter things on every ride that makes them "afraid to ride".  That is why I love this book.  It is applicable at all stages of  riding, at all stages of training.  He tackles horsekeeping and the nature of horses.  C.W. Anderson must know a few things about how far kindness will take you with a horse.  In addition, he provides a clear example of how slow you can take your own journey.  Screw the embarrassment, he says, through Jeffers. More than half the people out there have no idea what they are doing.  Ignore them.  Take it slow.

The point that resonates most with me is that this journey can be revisited and slowed back down in reverse throughout your life as you age.  My mother tells me that at 67 years of age it hurts when you fall off.  She is at a different place in her riding and struggles with the memory of pain more than a fear of riding.  This book has the answer to that too because the bond Jeffers teaches Judy to establish with the mare has zero to do with riding.  It is about just being with the horse.  Grooming, grazing, walking, are all just as important as riding TO MY HORSE!  Why?  Because grooming, hand grazing and hand walking helps the horse overcome his fears while giving him the attention from me that he craves.  Boarding barns are overflowing with horses standing in stalls while the riders congregate in the tack room or at local tack shops and talk about their horse's issues. If only all that time was devoted to slowly grooming, slowly grazing, slowly walking - the perceived issues would vanish.  Rider confidence would be at an all-time high because horses would be happy and confident too. When I read this book in the 1970's I was delighted to see that the author thought hand grazing was important.  I always thought that too, but even now, it is often ignored by some of the "best" riders.

I am 43 now, and, without the cloud of fear hanging over my head, I am just like those girls in my third grade class, I am horse obsessed.  I think of and talk about little else.  I plan to ride and groom and graze until I can't anymore.  If I have to add safer horses to my herd in time, so be it. I could care less if I am riding a pony or a plug or a donkey.  I don't care, I love them all.  When I can't ride anymore, I will still graze and walk my horses and when I can no longer safely do that, I will just groom them.  My days are empty without horses.

I conquered my own fear and along the way realized that I could do almost anything with a horse using Jeffers advice to Judy.  I used this ridiculously simple, yet profound method with Pie and Sovereign, and although we are still at the very beginning of our journey, we have accomplished so much with very little problems.  I will begin again when I return home and reconnect and answer their questions and fears.  It will have little to do with riding at first, and more to do with re-establishing our bond.  I always felt that this was the way to train a horse.  I just didn't know it would come wrapped up in a little package about confidence. 

26 comments:

  1. Juliette, What a wonderful essay! How instructive and honest you are about your past experiences and your progress from phase to phase. I agree with you that many adults who have horses have difficulty with handling fear about horses; here you have made it okay to think about and talk about. I have had to work through some bouts of it myself. Yet, I, too, have seen my confidence with horses grow over time, and wondered, amazed, how it came about. So I love the thoughts and ideas you have described and summarized here.

    I agree with you also about the importance of spending time just being with your horse and the wonder of hand grazing. I like to take Buckshot on "grazing tours" sometimes where we just meander from grassy spot to grassy spot.

    Lastly, I look forward to reading the book you recommend here; it sounds like it has a lot of horse wisdom! Again, thank you for sharing your backstory!

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  2. Thank you Jan for taking the time to read all of that! Every time I read your blog I smile knowing how lucky Buckshot is to have you. You DO take the time to be with him and it is so obvious that he is sweet to you. Let me know what you think of the book!

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  3. I read every bit - I've never read that book and must have a copy. Lovely post and great thoughts!

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  4. Really great read! I was terrified of horses as a young girl too but I wanted to ride to badly that I just got on with it. I remember my hands being ice cold when my dad drove me to my trainings.
    It went suddenly to the point of many many years of no fear at all.
    Right now, at 31, I ride most horses without a single thought about nerves. However, every now and then, I ride a horse that makes me unsure.
    Also, many of my clients have confidence issues far greater than I ever had - I will check the book out :)

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  5. Kate - Thanks - it is a great little book!

    Wiola - Thanks - I remember having ice cold hands too.

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  6. Fascinating articles. I didn't start riding till I was 38 (now 57) and I feel this is a big factor in my lack of confidence. My horse is very well mannered and we have a great relationship in-hand, but once aboard I feel very different and I know he picks up on this.
    I would love to be able to ride out alone but I always go with friends.

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  7. I am going to get that book! I wonder if it is available as an e-book. So much of what you were saying in the first part of this post could totally be applied to me. I have never been a courageous , tenacious rider (probably in part because that is not my real personality; that is only my personality when I am really mad about something), but I am not sure that I need to be a tenacious rider. I met quite a few tenacious riders at Biscuit Hill Farm when I was taking lessons and I thought they had really gross personalities along with their tenacity. Yuck. I do however, think I am a courageous rider. Courage does not mean not having fear. It means to have fear and to go on in spite of it. Each time I get in the saddle, I am a little afraid. After all, anything can happen up there, anything at all. My husband, who can alpine ski at 60 miles an hour down the side of a mountain without giving it a second thought, truly believes horseback riding to be the most dangerous sport in existence. Isn't that funny? Perhaps it is all about perspective. I just want to be a rider so bad, I love my horse so much, that I set my fear aside and climb on. Does Bill's danger-and risk-loving presence help or hinder my bravery in the saddle? Good question! Overall, I'd have to say it helps it. It gives me a strong example of confidence. It shows me I can develop a knowing demeanor and not freak out. It respects the animal and his psycology. And it also shows me that every ride does not have to be perfect. I wonder if in my life I am Judy and Bill is Jeffers(!?!) In any case, whether I am totally confident or totally wimpy at times, I too am obsessed with horses. At work I have horse photos all around my desk. At any party I can talk for hours to people I do not even know about horses. On vacation if I see any signs of horse life, I turn the car around to investigate. But it is not crazy, it is life affirming!!!!
    Thanks, Juliette, for making such a sensitive and wonderful entry! I will read all of the others too.

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  8. jc - Good for you to start riding at 38 and keep at it! Riding out with friends is fun too - especially if your horse likes that!

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  9. baystatebrumby - I agree - tenacious riders are not always good horse people. Kindness with horses seems to get paired with timidness when personality traits are handed out. You and I must have lined up together and got the nice stuff but we were frightened to ride!
    Aren't you glad we both got over it and are able to enjoy our sweet horses?
    Bill must be like Jeffers because he sure has started a lot of good horses up there. I don't know if Mr. Jeffers would use the leaf blower around a horse!!! LOL! ;)

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  10. Thank you for sharing your words and your recommendation of this book. I'm not embarassed of the title and will gladly read it.

    Like your Mother, I struggle more with the memory of pain than a fear of riding. I've never had anything terrible happen with my current horse while riding and I trust her when I'm on her back. My previous horse was the difficult horse that acted unpredictable and was moody, cranky and argumentative.

    I was raised in a military family and was taught, very sternly, "You make your bed, you better lie in it!" So, even though, as an older (I'm 43 year, started with owning my first horse 3 years ago) novice horse owner, I was way over-horsed, I thought it was my problem and I had to just deal with it the best I could.
    Unfortunately, that philosophy made me end up in the hospital with major surgery, and over a year of rehabilitation.

    I found that first mare a good home last year and found a new mare, much more suited to me after I took a bunch of riding lessons and fear 'makeover' riding classes. But I don't trust my mare on the ground now. She's kicked me in the hip and kicked me in the face, which even broke the bones around my eye.

    So now, even though I love my mare and want so much to ride her again and handle her on the ground, too, I deal with the memory of those injuries and wonder if after all of that, if I can trust her while I'm in the saddle. I used to spend hours grooming her, hand grazing her, hugging on her, and working on ACTHA challenges together. It was so much fun and I miss it. But I don't trust her anymore. And she knows it, I can tell.

    Last Winter and Spring I took a whol slew of riding lessons, went on organized trail rides, rode in ACTHA challenges...and moved past my original fears that held me hostage after what I went through after I was injured by my first horse.
    And here I am frustrated...again...back at square one.

    Thanks again for this post. I trotted over here from Kate's blog and I'm glad I did.

    You might not remember me, but you made me a beautiful poster that Kacy gave me. It was a picture of Apache and I crossing a bridge during an ACTHA ride last Spring. That poster means a lot to me. Thank you.

    ~Lisa

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  11. Hi Lisa -

    Yes, of course I remember you and your Apache! I featured that poster in my last post. I am so glad you like it!

    I am very sorry you are frustrated again after going through riding difficulties with your first horse and now dangerous kicking with Apache.

    Our Sovey can be a handful on the ground which requires an approach that is very much like a dance. I anticipate and avoid in an agile manner, but at 43 years old, I am not always as agile as I wish. He is a tough customer that offers bites and kicks at times. I do not think these dangerous retorts will ever be missing from his personality - just as I do not think my cat will ever stop biting me or scratching me when she is uncomfortable in a specific situation. The difference is that my cat doesn't break the bones around my eye. Horses are dangerous. There is no other way to say that. I believe that my job as a horse owner is to find the way to make Sovereign and Pie the most comfortable physically and psychologically in order to diminish dangerous behaviours, and get out of the way when I fail.

    I do not believe that horses act maliciously out of spite. Many people may disagree, but that is my belief. I think horses act out to convey either their physical discomfort or mental fear/discomfort. The mental part is tricky because the fear could be of something that happened before I even owned the horse.

    Sovereign was raced and I have little knowledge of what went on in his very early life and racing days. I do know that some sort of pain/fear can kick in to his mind or body and he can lash out at me - in defense. Obviously, I am not hitting him or hurting him in any way that I could ever imagine. Yet, I use the word "defense" because, again, I do not think horses are waiting to attack humans when our guard is down. Something is triggering his reaction.

    But, whether it is an acute physical pain or a scary memory or some fear I am unknowingly causing, I do not want to get hurt. All I know to do with Sovereign is to keep trying to reassure him with grooming and hand-grazing, hand-walking and riding and make sure to be extremely focused and safe (clear of teeth and feet) at all times.

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  12. Loved reading this post! It really resonates for me. I have been taking the slow / patient approach with my guy after a disastrous start, and it is paying off!

    Hope I can find a copy of that book, and so glad Kate sent me your way today :)

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  13. Calm, Forward, Straight - Thanks for stopping by and so happy the slow/patient approach is working for you and your boy - especially after a tough start. I really believe it is the only way and if there is a setback it is time to start again,
    s-l-o-w-e-r!

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  14. Oh I so love this entry. I really relate to it. Fear is such a goofy thing. There are still days where I push down the fear of "what if" and jump on and am so proud of my little victory even after a short ride at the walk. I am for sure over horsed on some days and being able to take it back down to a hand walk or graze is a HUGE benefit and you can still do so much bonding with that, or just a brush to a face. I'm total proof of that. I will search for that lovely little book too! It's funny, I have 0 ego when it comes to horse knowledge but lately, as in the last year, I have risen up to be a stronger voice for my horse when I don't think something is right. He taught me to be stronger and more vocal because I had to. I am proud of that too...even if there are days he scares me a little too, lol! :) Mostly, he makes me proud and happy as a clam. I think this breed of ours that we love so deeply, has such a stoic yet sensitive personality that it challenges the rider/owner/partner to face their own personality too. It's fun!

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  15. Kristen - You are right about our stoic yet sensitive breed! It is a challenge every day. You are stronger now - asking for what is right for Laz. Your bond has become so strong through the past year. Obviously, you would never have wanted it to happen the way it did, but you two are such a team now.

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  16. When I was child, way before I ever had my hands on a horse, I read all of C.W. Anderson's books. Through my late teens and early 20s, I had several horses, all of whom looked (to me) just like the horses Anderson drew. One of my mares, Scout, really does look like one of them. Many years later, I'm grateful to have been reminded of the book, and I will get a copy of it.

    Much of what you wrote resonates with me, as it does with so many others. My own blog was born out of the startling realization that somehow, somewhere, after 20 years away from horses, I had become afraid to ride. I think I'll reread this essay many times as I try to find my way back/forward to confidence. Thank you for writing it. Your sincerity is plain to see, and much appreciated.

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  17. I will have to find that book. Having spent many hours over the last nine months just sitting on a chair in the pasture sharing territory with my two horses, I fully agree with the idea that doing nothing but joining the herd and hanging out is essential for connecting with horses. If you haven't found her, I encourage you to check out Carolyn Resnick and her blog. She is a wise and generous horsewoman. I believe that it's important to listen to your fear, for your horses will surely hear it even if you can't own up to it. Horses are big and powerful, and having ridden all of my life, I've seen many people get hurt. It usually happens when they aren't keeping their focus on the horse, aren't being honest with themselves or trying to boost their egos by dominating. Everyone has moments when they get scared. When I take the time to honestly look at what I'm afraid of, I can usually figure out a safe way to do what I am trying to do as long as I don't try to rush it. You've given great advice here.

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  18. Hi Muddy K - Thank you for visiting and the kind words. I left a comment on your blog. That is so great that you had read this man's books before. I definitely think he understood horses and was an artist too.

    Your sweet horses in the ice fighting for your camera attention are adorable.

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  19. Thanks Victoria - I agree, you just can't trick a horse - they know when people are frightened. Being with them (as is TONS of time) is the only thing I have found to get through the fear. But, as you say, it can't be rushed. I will check out your blog and Carolyn Resnick's too!

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  20. Juliette, Tonight I finished the book Afraid to Ride that you recommended. It is a lovely, inspiring book! Following the story of the main character, Judy, and the recovering horse, Lady, as they developed trust in each other is very instructive; there was no pressure put on either one to move through their fears faster than they could handle. So both grew stronger, in time, and healed from their earlier fears and worries. A lovely book, one I'm glad to add to my horse book library. Thanks for recommending it!

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  21. Thank you for this post and I like what you said about our egos being smaller when we were smaller-- we are so hard on ourselves now as adults.

    I wanted to mention the beauty of C.W. Anderson's pencil drawings, too. Don't you just Love them?

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  22. Jan - I am glad you liked the book. It is simple, but so helpful, I think.

    Allison - I do love C.W. Anderson's drawings!

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  23. That is a delight to read. I and other I ride with struggle with this often. I bad break a number of years ago in emergency dismount from a bolting throuroughbred (former racehorse!)

    I can honestly I am still not alright with open green spaces, but after a year and a half back at riding, I know it matters so much to me that I will get over it.

    I the meantime, I ride weekly, in the school I take my son to riding and like you, I paint horses...any little horsey pleasure I can find.

    I am going to read that book, so thank you, and I think I offer to help my stables too....I'll be the oldest stable hand in the yard!

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  24. OH! I actually thought i had read about everything I could here at your place..nope! Timing is perfect Jules. My sister may even have that book(covetting it away from me-as- I have all her ohters) that one I need the most!
    It is our story and I am living it now. I need the confidence to ride my -violently afraid- mare in the arena.( she has me toally afraid too) You know my story.

    Thanks for the beautifully and so thoughfully written peice. Lovely.
    XO
    Kac

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  25. I loved that book as a kid. In fact, I loved all the C.W. Anderson books. He was my "mentor" for learning to draw horses. I tried to copy his style and used his work as guidelines all the time. It's so nice to see someone else who's read his work. So many of his finest books are out of print.

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  26. How did I not find your blog until now? Really lovely, and I LOOOOVED that book as a kid! Ugh, I wish I had held onto it. Thanks for the reminder-wonderful post.

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